seeds and soil

On Sunday they were talking about seeds and the kind of soil it lands on and I've been thinking a lot about that this week. I feel like I used to be super soft soil that would absorb whatever was taught and now I am a little more hesitant. I think in some ways its good, because I make sure what I am believing is true, and I'm believing it because I want to, not just because someone told me to. But I also feel like I have to work so much harder at getting closer to God. It is constant work, kind of like marriage. Its really hard work, but the relationship is worth it. I think because I have to work at it, it is a stronger relationship, one that has had ups and downs. The funny thing is the downs are what seem to have brought me closer, going the through the downs and coming out the other side still walking with God, still wanting relationship with Him and realizing how much bigger he is and how much I still have to learn. I can't expect to figure out why certain things happen and I think thats ok. I don't want a God I can figure out completely, because that would mean he isn't any bigger than I. So, I think I am soft soil with a harder crust on the outside.