Just a year ago

today we brought sweet little Tank into this world. They change so much in a year.

Happy birthday my sweet boy. You bring so much joy to our lives. Keep smiling and making us laugh.

when doors don't have locks

Dude didn't want to sleep today so after holding the door shut for 10 minutes I looked around and saw the vacuum cleaner and its nice long cord. I tied his door to the bathroom and went down stairs. Dude screamed for several more minutes but finally fell asleep on the floor by the door.

I don't have much to blog about but here are some pictures.

Happy Birthday Tom

Yesterday was (or would have been) my father-in-law's birthday. I knew the day was coming and it would be hard for Mike. I want to be there for him and let him cry if he needs to, or talk about his Dad if that feels right. The problem is I have no idea what he feels or how it hurts to loose a parent. I haven't done that yet. I am so thankful that I can't relate, but I wish I had a better understanding so I could know how to support him better. Is it better to bring it up and start talking about him or do I make sure not to mention his name at all? So not knowing what to do, I did what I do best, I baked. I know it doesn't actually help with the pain, and its probably not the best coping method, but its all I know how to do. So Tom, this apple pie is for you. We miss you so much!

lookin for daddy

makin a mess

Why is it so fun

to take everything out

and throw it

on the floor?

how I'm really doing

Sometimes just being honest with yourself about how your feeling is so liberating! I was reading Mike's blog http://csusandman.blogspot.com/ and was so impressed with his honesty. So here goes mine.
I have been having a really hard time being a mother lately. I think part of it is lack of sleep and part of it is just trying to figure out how to handle 2 young kids. Today when I woke up at 6 to Tank crying (after getting up with him 3 times in the middle of the night) I changed him and tried to see if he would get back to sleep. That was not going to happen. So I walked back into our room and woke Mike up and told him I just couldn't do it this morning. I started to cry and handed Tank to him. Then I proceeded to really cry hard. What kind of mother am I? I can't even take care of my little boy. I just cried harder and got back in bed. A few extra hours of sleep helped a lot but the feelings of being a bad mother and just wanting to run away for a few days are still there. I just want a day or 2 where I don't have to be a mother. A night or 2 (or 10) where I can sleep uninterrupted. A chance to reconnect with my love. There I said it, I do feel a little better.

One good thing about having sick kids

is the snuggle time.

Feel better soon guys.

Vent

There are so many wonderful things about having kids and all the joy they bring but this post is not about that. This post is all about me. I need to complain for a minute, so here I go.
I have been sleep deprived for 3 years. I don't even remember what its like to not be tired. In the past 2 days, I have been thrown up on 3 times. I'm not talking about a little spit up, I'm talking about full on throw up soaking me all over. My 2 year old cannot figure out how to poop in the potty, so he still does that in his pants. I have no idea how to get my almost 1 year old to sleep all night and I'm so frustrated about it, that I start to get mad at him. Yep you heard me, I'm getting mad at my sweet little baby for waking up at night. And this morning while trying to drink my coffee Dude jumped on me spilling my coffee all over the couch. I would really like to just run away for a few days and sleep somewhere, preferably with my love who is quit sleep deprived himself.
There, I'm done.